By: David J. Gregors
I have been very invigorated by Nancy Pelosi’s strong moral imperative to chase President Trump to the ends of the earth until his dying day to exact some sort of bizarre revenge on him for the crime of merely existing. I have been so inspired by this, in fact, that I have decided that I agree with her–somewhat ironically, and in a completely unserious way. I think that not only was it the right move for the House of Representatives to impeach Trump, the Senate should convict him, even though the only possible remedy for conviction is removal, thus making the issue essentially moot past January 20.
But really, if you think about it, why should she stop there? Pelosi has control of the House and Democrats run the Senate, so they will be able to impeach Trump over and over again until he dies. But there again, why stop there? By refusing to impeach past presidents who have behaved poorly, Pelosi is tacitly approving of all of their bad actions, many of which will be recounted below. But there again, why stop there? It seems to me that any future candidate for the presidency should also be very strongly vetted for fitness for office, and if they are found to be unfit, they should be impeached and convicted. I do not just mean Ted Cruz and Josh Hawley. I mean EVERYBODY. If your child refused to clean his room or stayed up well past his bedtime, you should reach out to a whistleblower immediately so that Speaker Pelosi can prevent that immoral menace from ever having the codes to the nation’s nuclear arsenal.
First things, first. On Wednesday, we will have 46 potential impeachment targets who either are or have been since 1791, the chief executive officers of the United States. I think we should start with the most recent presidents, and much like a video game, the toughest “boss” will be at the end.
- Donald Trump: For existing. Sure, there’s already one article of impeachment pending, but I see no reason to stop there. Let’s keep impeaching him until our deep emotional wounds heal.
- Barack Obama: For unrestrained violence using the nation’s drone arsenal. He once bombed a hospital, and was later quoted as bragging that he was “really good at killing people.”
- George W. Bush: The Iraq War was a huge debacle and by every conceivable measure, a severe abuse of power. Hundreds of thousands of people died because of shaky intelligence and a poor understanding of the political dynamics of the Middle East. But hey, he hates Trump and he’s so cute when he reminds us how he doesn’t understand raincoats, so maybe we’ll just censure him.
- Bill Clinton: #MeToo. Sure, he was already impeached one time for perjury related to the Lewinsky scandal, but he should be impeached again for using his power to seduce an intern who was barely older than his daughter. Once he was done with her, he moved her job out of the White House. Yuck.
- George H. W. Bush: For vomiting on the Japanese Prime Minister. That is assault every single day of the week.
- Ronald Reagan: For being overly aggressive in ending the Cold War. Deciding that the enemy of the enemy is our friend, President Reagan funded and armed groups resisting the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan. These groups were the Mujahideen, and they would later become al Qaeda and the Taliban. Also, Reagan’s affinity for jellybeans started the childhood obesity epidemic in this country by telling kids, who otherwise would have been happy eating broccoli, that candy is tasty.
- Jimmy Carter: Iran Hostage crisis. Also, for being weak, creepy and weird.
- Gerald Ford: For pardoning Nixon. Never mind that Ford pardoned Nixon so that the country could move past the shame of the Watergate era. By excusing Nixon’s action, Ford is complicit.
- Richard Nixon: You didn’t think that you could away with it all that easily, did you? Like you were just going to resign, go into a semi-reclusive state, and die some years later? Give me a break! And so what if the Congress in 1974 wasn’t dumb enough to try what Pelosi and Schumer are trying? IMPEACH!
- Lyndon Johnson: The Vietnam War and the Great Society. The war was responsible for the deaths of thousands of American troops–many of whom were conscripted into service by the Selective Service Draft: a wholly patriarchal and misogynistic group that thinks women should not be equally represented in forced military service. The Great Society programs are largely responsible for the disintegration of the family unit in the African American community, and kept many African Americans in a death spiral of poverty and government housing.
- John F. Kennedy: #MeToo again. Also, for having a wholly confusing and confounding death. Seriously, why can’t we see the classified records about the assassination? It is well past time for that.
- Harry Truman: He dropped not one, but two, nuclear weapons. I can’t think of anyone who can be trusted less with the nuclear codes than someone who has already dropped more nuclear weapons than anyone else in human history.
- Franklin Delano Roosevelt: Japanese internment camps and being too slow to join our European allies in confronting a growing menace. Democrats love to point to FDR as the greatest president ever, but FDR did have at least one thing in common with Hitler: imprisoning people in concentration camps because of their race.
- Woodrow Wilson: Racist. Also, he grossly mishandled the Spanish Flu epidemic. He did not shut down the country, nor did he trust science enough to mandate masks in public and forbid people from spending time with their families.
- Andrew Johnson: Like Nixon, but faced his impeachment. They fell one vote short of convicting him. Maybe the second time will be the charm.
- Abraham Lincoln: Suspended habeas corpus in a flagrant violation of the constitution. Oversaw the largest expansion of power by the federal government as a whole, and of the executive branch in particular.
- Thomas Jefferson: Slave owner and creator of the largest system of white supremacy in history.
- George Washington: He lied when he said he would never tell a lie, and he set a poor example for the nation’s children by showing that they could neglect their dental care because they could just get some dentures later on. None of those dentures were wooden which means, sadly, President Washington lied to the American people again. He was also known to associate with traitors and seditionists, even leading one group of traitors across the Delaware River on Christmas night (hello? OSHA?), which resulted in many deaths. He was also well known for not paying the seditionists a living wage, and the Delaware River incident shows just how much he cares about his worker’s rights to spend holidays with their families.
It seems very obvious to me that the right way to heal the wounds of our nation is to follow Speaker Pelosi and Chuck Schumer’s lead in waging war against anyone who has ever held the title of president. Even more importantly, we should move now to impeach all potential future presidents so that we can be saved from their dastardly deeds. The American people deserve this sort of strength of resolve and forthright character. The American people deserve a Congress that will stop making laws or trying to solve the problems of Americans, and devote all of its time to pursuing the high crimes and misdemeanors of all prospective, former, and/or deceased presidents.
David J. Gregors is the host of “Connect Your Audio.” He hold a Bachelor of Arts in Philosophy and Religious Studies, a Juris Doctor, and a Master of Laws (LLM) in Health Law and Public Policy. He served as a paramedic for 12 years prior to becoming an attorney.